Erasmus and Sam Have an Accident

I am going to try, to the best of my ability, to recreate the stories that I originally shared with, um, some people (if you weren’t one of them, congratulations on getting to read these for the first time! You should in no way feel slighted that you weren’t included the first time I sent this and a few other stories out—assuming, of course, that I know you, which I guess I might not—because they were just sort of slung out to family members embedded in emails about other family business. Thank you to Libby’s family—Jamie, Molly, and Darrell—for scouring through their emails to find these because I have a near-obsessive compulsion to erase the deleted emails in Outlook on a very regular basis). There were several of them, and because it is part of my nature, I am going to embellish on their original narratives. And, because this will only be partly humiliating if it’s strictly a text telling, I’m going to try and film some video “reenactments” to put along with them. The videos will only be parts of the story, though, because anything too long would be just impossible to watch because of its horribleness. Also, I don’t predict that Gabe will be all that helpful, though he’ll positively insist on helping (can you tell I’m typing this part out before I’ve even made an attempt to film anything—that can’t be a bad idea).

Anyway, here is the first story.

Erasmus and Sam Have an Accident

Our story begins on a bright, sunny, nearly idyllic day in England. I’ve never been to England, but I’ve heard it rains a lot there, and its weather is very similar to the upper western U.S. (which I’ve also never been to, but I’ve seen the movie “Hysterical,” and the main character talks about how it rains all the time there, and who am I to call him a liar?) so having a beautiful day like this is something special, to be celebrated and enjoyed. Since it’s England we’re talking about, there should have been a fox hunt. Sadly, nobody has given Gabe a fox doll. So, instead, Erasmus Poxybottoms III decided to take his good friend Sam out for a ride in the fields behind his manor.

Erasmus, as I’m sure everyone remembers, is a foppish, poncy (or should that be poncey? I can’t seem to find an official spelling anywhere—so, I declare “poncy” to be correct), over-privileged, under-educated, aristocratic git who was born into a life of lavishness that he so richly does not deserve.

Note: I do terrible accents. I mean terrible. I am also an abysmal actor (though, admittedly, the first time Libby ever saw me, I was playing an “effeminate” pirate—we were at a Catholic college, so obviously I couldn’t be out of the closet—in a play and for the first year we knew each other, obviously before we started dating, she thought I was gay. So, maybe there are just certain roles that I’m best suited for). As such, just have a good laugh at my expense when you watch the video and don’t dwell on it too much. But Erasmus doesn’t so much have a British accent because I can’t, so much, do a British accent. In fact, I can’t do any accents convincingly. Thus, I settled on an “accent” that could best be described as “a mix between that guy who goes ‘yeeess?’ on the ‘Simpsons’ and Hedonismbot from ‘Futurama’ if both of them were, first, bashed on the head with an old carburetor.” Gabe doesn’t seem to have a problem with my interpretation, so I guess that’s all that matters.

Note Note: I decided not to even try the accent (this is the next day, after I made our little film). I couldn’t even remember how to do the terrible one I did originally for him. When I practiced once before hand (our rehearsal), I sounded more like Foghorn Leghorn than anything else, and that didn’t even make sense. So you’ll just have to imagine it for yourself. Also, and I might add that trying to make movies of these stories, no matter how completely truncated they are (this movie is like 30 seconds and I left out pretty much everything), is about impossible. I don’t have anywhere to set up the camera where it’s safe from Gabe and I can still see anything that’s going on in the room. Plus, as you can see from the video, he only helps the story along when it works into his own plans. We’ll see. I did take some pictures to go along with the story, though, so I’ll pin those up throughout.

And Sam is a horse, but he is also Erasmus’ straight man and foil. He is long-suffering, patient, wise, and forthright—all traits that a good horse should have (though, I, personally, think horses are devious, evil-minded, and, above all else, absolutely crazy as a shit hat, you can see it in their eyes, murder is on their minds), especially a good talking horse. Now, it might seem rude to just walk up to your best friend and say, “Hey! It’s jolly nice out today! Why don’t I jump on your back and you can canter me around the back 80!” Uh oh. That’s probably an Americanism. Do they have “back 80s” in England, or do they measure in hectares or centimiles or something “foreign” like that? Well, surely there’s a number involved in whatever measurement unit they use for square footage in a field or pasture, so it can just be the “back 80 whatever.” At any rate, it is, in fact, quite rude to ask this of your best friend, or any friend, unless your friend is really into some weird stuff. It’s just not something one generally does. But Erasmus is just that type of person, and since he’s always been that type of person, and Sam has always been his best friend despite the fact that Erasmus regularly wants to ride him (complete with a whip and stirrups and whatever other bric-a-brac an equestrianarian might feel it’s necessary to use to look equestrianarian), then this wasn’t a very big deal. In fact, there was no debate or anything before they left. Erasmus just saddled Sam up and they went. You’ve made a much bigger deal of the inappropriateness of it all by dwelling on it here as long as you have. Let it go.

While out riding in the fields of Somewhere England, Sam and Erasmus come across all sorts of obstacles. They leap and they bound over most of them in a decidedly showy way (though not showy here because I couldn’t pose them leaping over stuff in the room and take the pictures at the same time). Until they come to a long, steep slope that both horse and rider desperately misjudge.

(A dangerous slope!)

They take a few tentative steps down but Sam quickly loses his footing and they begin to cascade and tumble all the way to the bottom.

(A terrible fall--action pose, though you can't see the action)

Along the way, Sam rolls on top of Erasmus no fewer than 38 times, hurting him terribly and dislocating his brain pan and deviating his spine (two things I’m relatively certain should be able to happen to a person). Sam, however, was miraculously unharmed.

(Erasmus with head and back injuries, Sam still recovering)

So, lying there on the ground, almost certainly dying, Erasmus makes a heartfelt plea to Sam to save his life. In this moment, he realizes just how fragile he is and just how important Sam is to him and how wrong it is that he, Erasmus, has abused their friendship. As if with his dying breath, he swears that, should he survive, he will no longer take Sam for granted. Touched by Erasmus’ newfound empathy, Sam swears to return with a doctor as soon as he can.

(Sam brings the Doctor)

Unfortunately, the only doctor in town at the time is Dr. Kip “Snips” Snipowski—a notorious Ear, Butt, and Foot doctor under scrutiny and multiple indictments by the League of Extraordinary Doctors, or whoever regulates that sort of thing, for “malpracticing with a possibly made up specialization and accompanying certification.” To his credit, Dr. “Snips” tries to dissuade Sam from recruiting him, claiming that he isn’t qualified to work on head or spinal injuries, but Sam persists and eventually convinces the good doctor to help Erasmus in the field.

The following hours are filled with tense moments similar to the best ones drawn from “M.A.S.H.,” “E.R.” and any other medical show that goes by an acronym. Several times—some because of Erasmus’ tenuous condition, others due to Dr. “Snips”’ ineptitude—Erasmus almost moves on to live in the closet with all the other deceased stuffed animals, but, in the end, the surgery is a success and Erasmus is saved!

(Surgery)

Well, mostly saved. He now has a terrible limp and has no feeling down the left side of his body, but, all things considered, it’s still more of a success than a failure.

After nearly a year of rehabilitation, Erasmus was nearly back to a fully functioning state. Sadly, he also completely forgot about the oath he swore to his best friend Sam that day, to never take their friendship for granted again, and he is exactly the same kind of jerk that he was before—possibly moreso because he also can’t competently ride Sam anymore, what with having no feeling down his left side, but he still insists that he is perfectly capable, which leaves Sam with the added responsibility of making sure the big dumb monkey doesn’t just slide out of the saddle and get trampled.

Dr. “Snips” was the obvious beneficiary of the ordeal. After performing the emergency surgery in less than ideal conditions, the League decided that he must not be that bad and decided to “forget” all of “Snips” previous transgressions as long as he swore never to ply his trade to another butt again—this being the questionable area of expertise that was causing everyone in the area the most grief. He went on to open a Brain Pan Center in town and was a thriving success, what with all the dimwitted local gentry in the area always falling off things and hurting their heads.

(The players take a bow, sort of)

Also, I feel as though I should apologize for the quality of the video. No, I didn’t film it with a handheld 8mm then transfer it to VHS then transfer it to digital, as it looks. Our digital camera is about shot. It still does still pictures fine, but the video quality is pretty terrible. We have a digital camcorder, but we’ve only used it for about five minutes worth of filming since we bought it almost two years ago, and I don’t have the cables to transfer it to the computer anyway. So, just pretend these videos are “Old Timey” and enjoy the added ambiance.