Funny story. Last Thursday, Kris and Jess brought Finn over for baby wrestling (Finn is two weeks older than Gabe and we’ve already declared them BFFs). At one point in the conversation, Jessica was discussing someone and she declared, “He’s being a bitch.” One second later, Gabe was repeating “bitch” over and over again. One of the only words that he’s been able to get absolutely spot on so far, too, I might add. Usually he just gets the first syllable and hopes we pick up the rest, but not this time.
So he said it a few dozen times—while we tried to hide our smiles and laughter because, inappropriate or not, there’s nothing cuter than a high-pitched two year old chanting “bitch, bitch, bitch” over and over again—and then stopped. We even tried to coax it out of him a few times while the video camera was running, just to save it for posterity (saying things like “That lady on TV sure looks like a witch, doesn’t she Gabe? A witch? Witch? WITCH?), but he wouldn’t repeat it.
Then, about fifteen minutes later, Kris was sitting on one of our chairs and he stuck both of his legs out, resting them on some of the kids’ furniture on the floor. Gabe walked in between his legs and started beating on Kris’ knees (we were secretly hoping he was going to start pounding on Kris’ junk, but that didn’t happen) and lower legs. Finn, I should note, is extremely possessive of his parents. When he saw Gabe in between Kris’ legs, he wobbled over as fast as he could and tried to squeeze past Gabe so that he could be the closest one to Kris’ crotch—and, thus, Kris, presumably. Gabe, who’s got a good inch or two and possibly as much as five pounds on Finn now, just stood his ground. When Finn persisted, Gabe started to push him back. Then Finn started to cry.
We picked Gabe up and pulled him back over to the couch, chastising him the whole time. We said things like, “See what you did by pushing? You made Finn cry! You don’t push people! Now, you say you’re sorry to Finn.”
Then Gabe looked over at Finn very slowly and said, “Bitch.”
Oh my god we laughed.
Akiko in and out of the Yakusa
Akiko’s time in the Yakusa was relatively short. Even though her supervisors (or whatever the next person up the chain of command would be in the Japanese underworld) promised her time and again that she would have her chance for revenge on her father, Akiko didn’t have the patience to see it through. She wanted revenge and she wanted it soon. So she concocted a plan to flee the country and, with luck, leave the Yakusa behind without them feeling the need to pursue her. She was going to fake her own death.
It wasn’t an easy thing to do, and Akiko was still pretty new at all of this spy and seedy underbelly stuff, so she was pretty much just flying by the seat of her pants.
Her first mission for the Yakusa was supposed to be pretty straight forward. She was supposed to kill Godzilla. Or at least get him to retreat back into the sea. And how hard could that be? All sorts of unlikely people had been doing it for decades. Fortunately, Akiko had access to all of the carefully crafted documentaries on the subject—which the Japanese government then widely released, after poor dubbing, to cover up the fact that Godzilla and his many monster island friends actually existed. After careful study, she deduced that Godzilla wasn’t really a bad guy, he was just a misunderstood anthropomorphic representation of decades of a society’s fears of possibly undetected mutations caused by the atomic bombs that someone dropped on two of their major population centers. She planned to play on his sympathy.
The day she met Godzilla, he happened to be fighting Mothra—his on again, off again, monster mistress. They were, obviously, off again, because Godzilla had carelessly stomped one of the Shinto Ise Shrines after getting drunk by eating one too many sake hobos, and she had a bit of a severe zero tolerance rule for stompings of holy places. The fight, it should be noted, was pretty half-hearted on both of their parts, more a matter of “going through the motions” for the sake of age-old tradition.
Akiko first distracted Mothra by trapping her two pointless little fairy companions in a butterfly net—which, really, works on all fairies. While Mothra tried fruitlessly to use her giant wings to perform the precision task of emptying out a standard issue butterfly net, Akiko approached Godzilla.
Mothra (scaled down to fit in the picture) freeing her weird fairies from, er, a butterfly net?
Once she got his attention by scaling his back like a scaly rock wall and climbing around so she could stand on his nose, right in front of his eyes, she politely asked him, if it wasn’t too much trouble, if he could eat her in front of the Yakusa’s surveillance cameras and then spit her back up again fifteen or twenty minutes later a few miles away.
Godzilla shrugged, figuring it was something different than endlessly bickering with his crazy girlfriend, so they staged the fight in a part of town that Akiko was sure the Yakusa would be watching closely. Without much ceremony, Godzilla chomped down on Akiko, who was standing in the middle of the street. He even threw back his head as he pretended to swallow her whole.
Akiko preparing to be eaten by a strangely very small Godzilla. He's actually more of a Godzooky size.
Except he wasn’t pretending. Halfway to their meeting point, Godzilla realized that he didn’t need to do what the tiger girl wanted. He was the big scary monster. He could damn well eat whoever he wanted to. So he did.
But Akiko had figured on this. She knew how tasty she was and figured Godzilla wouldn’t be able to resist. So she dressed herself in a bio-hazard suit that was highly resistant to stomach acid (which she cleverly hid somewhere on her body, I guess—that falls into the category of “detail I don’t care to think about”), and she waited.
Twenty four hours later, give or take, she was lying in the middle of a big, stinking pile of Godzilla pooh—which is probably the most diversely disgusting excrement in the history of the world, considering the wide variety of things Godzilla will eat in a given day. Honestly, he’s like a sideshow geek.
Godzilla dook. At least he's civilized enough to go in an obviously gigantic chamber pot
But his digestive system got the job done. Akiko was out, and as far as the Yakusa was concerned, she was dead.
This was actually the third attempt. The first one he picked up the dinosaur and ran out of the room for two minutes. The second time, he put both players, the blue horn headed toy, and Aldo Cheeseburger into the armoire (behind him here in the video) then ran out of the room. This time, at least I got him to make a roaring sound and interact with one of the actors before running out of the room. I consider that a Win.
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