Akiko Gogli: The Underworld Tails, Chapter 1

Get it? Tails! Hilarious. I bet nobody has ever considered substituting the word “tail” for the word “tale” before. I’m a national treasure.

After looking over the original story that I emailed out a few months back, I’m afraid I must admit that there are a few inconsistencies between Akiko’s story and what I included in the character descriptions of her, “Tarnations,” and everyone else involved in her storyline. I misremembered a few things. So, as far as the official canon of the bedroom saga goes, whatever is in the stories is official—it is also subject to change should I need a character to be something else (likely) get bored with something (more likely) or forget something (most likely).

It’s also worth noting that this storyline—which will take a few posts to fully flesh out, I think—involves quite a lot of the characters in the room. At the time, I was trying to figure out ways to use most of the characters that I hadn’t yet. There are also some “miscellaneous” characters (Akiko’s aunt, for one) that are worked into the story. Since I didn’t think I would need an Aunt of a Major Player character for future use, other toys are standing in and playing the roles. So, be prepared to be confused by my total lack of consistency.

The Pre-Akiko Past

Our story begins, as they usually do, on a Japanese game show. The game show, named Downtown no Gaki no Tsukai ya Arahende!! . . . .

Aside: I’m not the least embarrassed to say that I spent more time researching Japanese game shows than I have just about anything since I left college. This one I found has two possible translations for its name—how that is possible, I have no idea, but I can’t find anyone willing to nail it down for certain. Either it means Downtown’s “I’m not an errand boy!!” or Downtown’s “This is no job for kids!!” This is a variety show hosted by a popular comedy duo named Downtown. They come up with all kinds of crazy competitions for their contestants. And I mean crazy. I think my favorite is the one where contestants have to recite a tongue twister correctly or they get smashed in the fork with some unidentifiable, high-velocity projectile. I watched the video twice. There are others on that site that are almost as entertaining.

Apparently, this is a variation on the concept of the batsu game. Batsu games, or “punishment” games, are ever so popular in Japan and have a quite long history (by television standards) that is, in and of itself, quite interesting to look into. But I won’t go into it here. Originally, I was hoping to find an older game show to use, preferably one that was no longer popular, but it’s pretty difficult to sift through the nearly infinite links google and yahoo searches pull up when you use the keywords “funny japanese game show,” so I just settled on this one. I think it’s a good one, though, even if it mucks around with my timeline somewhat.

. . . was very popular in Japan and found a surprising following in the plains of Russia just east of Ukraine (hauntingly specific, isn’t it?) where a young Cossack named Akiko’s Dad Gogli (played by Elmo, because I know the sort of tortures that await the character, and that sick part of me that wishes pain on Elmo feels appeased, in some small way, by casting the muppet in this role) fell in love with it. He spent hours poring over VHS recordings (Russia having just gotten up to speed on the taping technologies of the last century) of the show and swore that he would not only participate on the show, he would win it and take home the grand prize. Admittedly, he was never really sure what the prize was, or even if there was one (which I don’t think there is), but he was certain that there must be some reward for people to submit themselves to such grueling acts of sado-masochism, and it must be good.

Getting on the show was surprisingly easy. If there’s one thing Japanese television audiences enjoy more than watching Japanese citizens suffer some ridiculous discomfort, it’s watching a foreigner do it. So, as it turned out, getting to Japan was the most difficult part of Akiko’s Dad’s journey—well, up to the part where the game show was being filmed. See, Akiko’s Dad, though quite fond of Japanese game shows, had no interest in learning the language, which put him at a serious disadvantage, especially when it came time for him to compete in the Tongue Twister game.

Akiko's Dad taking one in the fork (yeah, it's not very easy to find something to hit a six inch tall, sitting Elmo doll in the crotch, so just imagine it looks more painful than this picture does)

But even the other games proved impossible since he never really knew what he was supposed to be doing in the first place.

A variation on water torture, appropriately named Water Torture While Your Back Burns from a Very Hot Stove Top. One of their most popular contests.

How it never occurred to him that he might not be able to clear such a language hurdle before showing up on the game show is anyone’s guess.

The terrible Ceiling Fan Dodge (it is running, you just can't tell. Elmo's little head kept bobbing down, forcing him to hit his nose on the lamp shade)

Probably you should just chalk it up to either the fact that he was of simple Cossack stock or that the creator of this story needed for him to fail miserably at the contest as part of the storyline and, thus, poor Akiko’s Dad never really had a chance.

Saved the best for last: Big Monkey Defecating on You While You Lie in a Piss Pot (this is an actual piss pot that Libby bought at a thrift store and then put in Gabe's room for him to play with. The logic defies me. But it did make this picture awesome)

Several dozen painful groin hits (and one small concussion suffered while collapsing to the fetal position on the floor), and a variety of painful other tortures later, Akiko’s Dad was a broken and beaten man. He lay, weeping, in a growing puddle of his own urine—having lost all bladder control thanks to the hammering of his crotchal area—and that was where Akiko’s Mom (played by the Wonder Pet Linny—who is actually a girl if you believe the information available about the Wonder Pets that’s out there) found him. She took pity on him, took him back to his hotel room, and checked in on him every few hours for the next week—nursing him back to health.

Eventually, they were married, and, though Akiko’s Mom was reluctant to leave, her staunchly patriotic husband convinced her to move back to the mother land with him. Within a year, Akiko was born. But that was just the beginning of the story.

Akiko's Mom giving birth to a child that is about three times larger than her (Fortunately, Gabe isn't old enough that I had to explain what this picture was meant to represent. Things will start getting interesting if I'm still playing with his toys at that point).

Less than a year after Akiko was born, Akiko’s Mom grew hopelessly weary of everything to do with Akiko’s Dad and his dreary and depressing Cossack lifestyle. She missed the glitz and glitter of Tokyo and its colorful culture. But, mostly, she was tired of living off vodka and potatoes. So she hopped a freighter (somewhere, probably not anywhere near where I decided Akiko’s Dad lived, but I’m sure there is somewhere in Russia that she could have hopped a freighter—and how she got there is unimportant because I say so) and went home. Because Akiko’s Dad thought something like this might happen, and he’d be damned if he was going to let his sleazy wife abscond with his offspring, he’d secured Akiko in a secret location guarded by his extended family and a Caucasian Shepherd Dog with a bad attitude named Borscht (parts played by the other two Wonder Pets—just imagine they are several family members and a dog).

Akiko being held prisoner by, um, her uncle and a big dog?

Thus it was that Akiko was raised by her father in Russia (yes, I know, this hardly follows a plausible timeline considering the game show I mentioned is at least fairly recent, but get over it). And from there, Akiko’s adventures truly begin!