Presidents' Day Extravaganza

Settle in. This is going to be a LONG post.

Libby had the day off yesterday for the Presidents' Day Holiday. We started the day with a dentist appointment for Gabe (by "we," I mean "Libby")--the second in his three part filling series. This time he needed THREE of them (including the very front one that has been literally falling apart for the past year and a half). He did REMARKABLY well with the procedure (which they finished in less than forty-five minutes--apparently dentists who work with children are FAR more motivated to get things finished and get patients in on time than the ones who work with adults are), and was rewarded with a fake mustache and a few other little gumball machine style prizes.

With my help, Gabe will bring back the Burt Reynolds. I especially like how the presence of the mustache put a crazy look in his eyes.

The only snag he hit came about thirty minutes after the dentist finished--about the time the laughing gas started to wear off. Gabe kept trying to put his binkie or his chocolate milk sippy cup in his mouth, which invariably resulted in him freaking out. He would cry and say, "My teeth are too big!" This went on for another half hour until the medicine completely wore off. And then he was fine.

As a further reward, Libby took Gabe to the Cosmosphere because he's into space right now.

There's definitely something to be said about our children's exposure to new ideas on television. I remember when we were growing up, we'd go through out "phases" of being interested in things. We had dinosaur phases and bug phases and whale phases and space phases and whatever phases, but they spanned months or years of our childhoods. Thanks to the various educational pre-K stuff that Gabe watches, I think he's already managed to blast through almost all of those phases already before he's reached the age of four. I'm not saying that something GOOD could be said about it, just that SOMETHING could be said of it.

Libby's thinking was that it would be nice to have a special Momma/Gabe day out--and she was right. He had a blast. Sadly, she forgot our camera. She did have her phone, though, and if we can get the pictures transferred from there I'll do a separate posting on how their day went.

While she and Gabe were having their special day, Norah and I were meant to have a special Daddy/Daughter day. Which is a great idea. In theory. The thing is, Norah and I spend all day, every day together as it is, so we've pretty much exhausted our things to talk about. It's not like she's capable of really DOING anything all that special. Plus, it was cold again yesterday so we couldn't even go outside and play. So we pretty much just went about our business as usual.

In the process of doing what we usually do, I checked out the feeds that I follow on Twitter at some point in the morning and noted that many people on there were enjoying a pretty amusing hashtag--#SuperPowersOfThePresidents--in honor of Presidents' Day. Several of the comedians that I follow were joining in and it seemed like good fun, so I hopped on the bandwagon as well.

After awhile, I decided to share the love with my Facebook friends. Then, when I decided that the restrictive character limit of Twitter wasn't suiting my needs, I shifted to only posting on Facebook (you can pretty clearly see where it started as the posts go from being short and concise to long and windy). In between Norah botherings, I spent most of the rest of the day flooding the News Feed on there with what one of my friends affectionately referred to as "spam" in the form of presidential "facts" about their special abilities. I BELIEVE I shared a fact about every president over the course of the day--but it's possible that I missed one or two in the process.

For those who failed to check their Facebook feed yesterday, or for those who want to relive the magic, I've decided to copy/paste all of the status updates that I made through the day. You're welcome.

Note: these are in no particular order. Mostly I was just hitting a president as he popped into my head, but by last night I had to reference a list of all the presidents to jog my memory. Anyway, these all just sort of came forth randomly.

Here goes:

Chester A. Arthur's side burns could detach themselves, attack, and ensnare or smother opponents.

William Howard Taft could alter his mass prior to being elected but became permanently "grotesque" to fit in his new tub.

James Garfield could spontaneously create lasagna and push dogs off dining room tables with his mind.

James Buchanan could make it appear that he was a completely forgettable president.

Millard Fillmore could shapeshift from his standard form of an anthropomorphized duck into a human form at will.

Theodore Roosevelt was our first C.H.U.D. president.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, Warren G. Harding actually existed.

Reagan could deprocess ketchup, turning it back into tomatoes, but he believed this was something everyone could do--thus the mix up with the whole vegetable classification thing.

Washington could chop down trees with his teeth, but he never told the truth about it.

Roosevelt Franklin was neither a president nor a superhero, but he was a little racist.

Speaking of muppets, Grover Cleveland was the only president to actually wear a superhero costume, complete with a helmet from a set of medieval armor. He could fly and recognize numbers and letters, but he had a nasty habit of getting his cape stuck in doors, so few people took him seriously, until he threatened to pour soup in the laps of every American--this was how he was re-elected for his second term.

Richard Nixon's middle name "Milhous" was a mystical name of power that granted his jowls the power to heal the sick. He flagrantly refused to use his gift, though, and liked to rub it in people's faces by creating an upside down "M" by holding up his trademark "victory" signs. He was kind of a superdick.

Lyndon Baines Johnson used to pee off his balcony onto his secret service men. He believed this granted them the power to protect his life from harm, but really it just made them wet and angry (this is actually a sort of true story).

John Adams was able to reproduce asexually. He impregnated himself, carried to term, and gave birth to John Quincy Adams. Repulsed by Adams' disregard for the laws of nature, Thomas Jefferson used ancient runic rituals to place a curse on both Adamses and all future father/son presidentual duos. Also, Abigail Adams could kick a cannonball so hard it wouldn't land for a fortnight. They were a weird family.

Benjamin Franklin was actually our third president, but at the end of his fifth term, President Franklin noted the destruction he had wrought upon the country (he gave 2/3 of the population venereal diseases thanks to his unprecedented access and chubby appeal).Realizing the mistake he'd made, he allowed himself to be struck by lightning whereupon he traveled back in time to stop himself from running for president. He made do by spreading STDs through much of France instead.

William Henry Harrison, John Tyler, Zachary Taylor, and Millard Fillmore were all members of a super group known as the W.H.I.G.s. Through an ingenious campaign of misinformation, they convinced the American populace that the "heroic" party name stood for Worried Haters of Irrelevant Grossness, and they shared the common man's concern for "family values." When the minutes of one of their meetings was leaked, however, it was discovered that the group's REAL name was The Willful Haters of Impertinent Grandmothers. Though many people still supported the group's initiatives, they couldn't ADMIT they did or they would run the risk of being disowned, and the W.H.I.G. party was dissolved shortly afterward.

On a related note, William Henry Harrison believed himself to be impervious to the effects of weather. After delivering a lengthy inaugural address in the cold rain without any protection from the weather, the pneumonia that killed him proved otherwise. In all likelihood, he was probably not superpowered, just super stupid.

Harrison's successor, John Tyler, was the "Aquaman" of the group, having no useful power of his own. As his sole biographer noted, "He had really bendy thumbs." They all can't be winners.

Zachary Taylor--long believed to be the leader of the W.H.I.G.s--could turn his skin into petrified wood (as evidenced in all pictures of him). Eventually, he was given the nickname "Old Rough and Ready." Trust me on this, you REALLY don't want to know why.

Abraham Lincoln was not a zombie, a vampire (or vampire slayer), a werewolf, an alien, or anything out of the ordinary. He did, however, keep a robot leprechaun named Seamus in his hat.

Gerald Ford could "walk" into other dimensions and through space/time itself. Sometimes, upon his return, however, he lost his footing and fell down.

There are two prevailing opinions about Harry Truman. One is that he lived his entire life in an isolated bubble where all of the people around him were actors playing out various roles in his life--and all aspects of his life were broadcast on ham radio for the entertainment of all who tuned in.However, since so few people knew or cared about ham radio, this can't be confirmed. The other theory is that Harry Truman had no super human abilities. He DID, however, have The Bomb, and The Bomb is an excellent substitute for superpowers and big penises.

Bill Clinton had sperm so powerful that it could distract congress for months at a time.

Hopefully this one isn't "too soon." Despite what the history books say, FDR did not suffer from debilitating polio (actually, there is debate that it was Guillain–Barré syndrome, but that's beside the point). The crippling of his legs was actually the result of early ham-fisted attempts at bionics.Utilizing science that man now whimsically refer to "steampunk," Depression era scientists attempted to replace the president's skeleton with early generation cybernetics, with undeniably terrible results and the experiment was scrapped after that. But it didn't turn out all bad. FDR's wheelchair could transform into three other forms--a pegasus, a unicorn, and Cary Grant--which makes him one of the awesomest presidents, bar none.

The movie "The Shaggy Dog," was not fiction. It was pulled, almost exactly as it appeared in the theater, from the diary of Calvin Coolidge.

John F. Kennedy reportedly had sex with Marilyn Monroe. Who needs a superpower when you can do that on your own?Nonetheless, he COULD transmute base medals like iron into even baser metals like lead, which was a really stupid thing to be able to do and doesn't warrant further mention.

James Madison never actually existed. He was a series of delicious cakes that his wife Dolley created at the behest of Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson then brought these cakes to life using his mystical powers to effectively continue his presidency for a little while longer. He also enjoyed eating his James Madison creations as they had a delightful cream filling.Seriously though, you should look at some pictures of Dolley Madison. She is about as far away from a "Peanuts" character as it's possible to be.

Because of the curse that Jefferson cast on the Adamses, upon taking office, George W. Bush's intellect (never much to be excited about to begin with) was rendered effectively sub-human upon taking office. To allow him to effectively serve, all of his vital functions were hard wired directly into Actual President Cheney's Darth Vader-esque life support chamber.

Everything bad that has ever happened is/was/will be the fault of Barack Obama.

Woodrow Wilson's parents were killed in a mugging by the Kaiser. He swore vengeance and, after a lifetime of training--and with the help of a spiffy utility belt--he prevailed over the evil German. To prevent another incident like this from ever occurring again, he formed the League of Nations--the world's first multinational superhero team. Interestingly, since he was the representative from Atlantis, Aquaman was also this League's "Aquaman."

James Monroe's "Monroe Doctrine" was officially written as a way to keep European countries from interfering in the affairs of the western hemisphere. Unofficially, however, it was written to keep out the goddamn vampires.

George Bush the Older could grow to Godzillian proportions until he made that fateful trip to Japan. Having sworn to let no more Great Monsters escape their zone of control, Bush was exposed to a huge dose of nega-radiation, which shrunk him down to normal size and stole away his ability to increase his size for the rest of his life.The side effects of dosing were later spewed all over the Japanese Prime Minister, but few would argue that he didn't have it coming.

Herbert Hoover had an unusual skill set--the use of which prompted the invention a common household appliance that was named after him. Originally named "The Herbert," it only took a few short years for people to start calling it by its generic name: The George Foreman Grill.

Dwight David Eisenhower died in 1951, while performing his duties as NATO commander, of butt failure. While medical science raced to find a cure for his body, his brain was transplanted into the body of an orangutan. A few months later, his body and brain were reunited, but Ike never quite broke the habit of picking and eating nits off his mate.Interesting side note: parts of Ike's personality stuck with the orangutan after the surgery, manifesting in slightly more aggressive behavior. He went on to punch his way into cinema history as Clyde in the Clint Eastwood vehicle "Every Which Way But Loose."

William McKinley was told by a fortune teller at the age of ten that he would die while president, but, in doing so, he would allow our most intriguingly insane president, Teddy Roosevelt, to take office. The fact that he ran for office anyway suggests just how much he really wanted me, specifically, to be entertained by Roosevelt's antics, and I salute him for that.

Benjamin Harrison was spared the full effects of Jefferson's father/son curse since he was only William Harrison's grandson, but the latent effects of the reduced hexing weakened his immune system causing him to die of the flu a few years after leaving office. He possessed a canny ability to cut onions without crying. Sadly, this was his only claim to fame--besides being the cream in a Grover Cleveland Sandwich.

Rutherford Birchard Hayes (is there a requirement that presidents have to have awesome middle names? Though "Rutherford" is no slouch either) once shielded a dozen school children from a meteor shower with his beard. One of those children later turned out to be none other than Walt Disney's frozen head--which had been sent back in time for some dumb reason or other.

Andrew Jackson, nicknamed "Old Hickory" because the bags under his eyes were deep enough to plant a tree in, was our first polyglot president. He was fluent in over fifty languages, 49 of which were spoken by his labradoodle Bentley. He also invented the labradoodle, for which he earned his place on our twenty dollar bill.

Speaking of "poly's," Andrew Johnson was our first polydactyl president. This supernumerary possessed 39 fingers on his left hand and 26 on his right. It was said that he could sign upwards of a dozen documents at the same time. But it was the 124 extra toes that got him impeached.

Ulysses S. Grant (interesting fact, S. was his middle name--his original name was Hiram Ulysses Grant, but he changed it and didn't feel to need to have an actual middle name anymore) could breath fire. Much debate has followed this phenomenon over the years with theories falling into two categories: either the copious amount of alcohol Grant consumed somehow altered his physiology or he was part dragon.Neither theory can be confirmed, but the favor is leaning toward the dragon option because Grant's body is not in his tomb. It is believed that, since dragons are immortal, Grant faked his own death to escape the public eye. But it's also possible that the high octane contents of his stomach spontaneously combusted shortly after he was buried.

Martin Van Buren is the only president in our history to hold the racial designation "Clown." Even dressed down and sporting pinkish makeup to cover his normally bone white skin, the characteristic red nose and "Krusty the Clown" hair gave him away. Still, being the first non-white . . . er, non-Caucasian president has to be worth something.

The dapper and youthful Franklin Pierce rose to fame in the Mexican-American war by single-handedly slaying fifteen chupacabra with his bare hands. His aptitude for combat, however, didn't carry over to future generations as his great-grandson Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce whined and cried his way through eleven years of the Korean War (1950-1953).

James Knox Polk. Polk is considered by many to be the "least known consequential president" in US history.In four short years, he was able to accomplish a quite impressive agenda, setting this country up for staggering growth and prosperity for generations to come. But, really, that's not surprising considering he was a member of a superior alien race who could bend reality to their whims and control the minds of man with their formidable telepathy. Everyone knows THAT about him. What nobody can figure out is WHY he went to all that trouble. And that, dear friends, is why I bring all this out in the open today, for I plan to gather a team of former presidents to travel back in time to confront James K. Polk! But more on that later.