The Best Dirty Joke Ever

So, I told someone I would post a funny dirty joke on here because I didn't have enough space to post it in their Facebook wall. So, if you don't like to laugh, you might want to skip this post.

Originally, I read this joke (and, really, I think it has to be read--I've tried to tell it a few times and it just doesn't seem to have the same punch as it did the first time I read it) in one of Kurt Vonnegut's autobiographies. I can't remember which one, unfortunately. If I did, I would have scanned through it to copy it verbatim, because I know he did a better job of telling it than I will. Anyway, here goes:

Deep in the heart of World War II, during some of the darkest days of carpet bombings and strict rationing, Winston Churchill struck upon an idea to help boost morale in England. He solicited the assistance of the BBC and, during one of his weekly broadcasts, announced an official, nation-wide search for the funniest, dirtiest limerick anyone could think of.

The first prize winner would receive a year's worth of sugar rations, a crate of chocolate bars, and their winning limerick would be read on the air, live, by Churchill himself one month from that day. This being a time of extraordinary hardship, he figured nobody would object to the idea of having a dirty limerick read on the radio--and, in fact, he was correct.

There was a huge outpouring of support for the upcoming broadcast. Tens of thousands of people submitted limericks ranging from the traditional Nantucket variety to some really creative, choice, and above all raunchy originals. The nation was abuzz with talk of the contest and everyone's creative juices were flowing. Large "listening parties" were planned and communities were setting up festivities to lead up to the reading of the limerick.

The winner of the event had been released the night before the radio address. An elderly housewife from Brentford had won the contest, but she had been sequestered to keep her from leaking the winning limerick to anyone she hadn't already shared it with. This, obviously, only added to the buzz and anticipation.

Finally, the day came and Churchill's radio address began.

In a somber tone that seemed entirely inappropriate for the occasion, Churchill began his address. "I'm afraid," he began, "that I have some bad news." Instantly, all across the nation, hearts sank. Something truly terrible must have happened to preempt something generally regarded as an important event.

But the gravity of Churchill's voice had nothing to do with any national emergency that was non-limerick related. "I'm afraid," he continued, "that the winning limerick is simply too lewd, too explicit, and too offensive to be read on the air. The language and imagery is simply too unacceptable, even though we have all mentally prepared for this moment for a month now. This must tell you something about the limerick's content."

He couldn't hear it from where he was, of course, but Churchill could FEEL the boos of the communal citizenry of England at this point. But he trudged on, nonetheless, "After much debate, however, we have decided that it would be possible for us to read the parts that are socially acceptable and replace all of the truly offensive bits with 'da's' and 'dum's'. We will leave it to your imaginations to fill in the blanks. And here it is:

Da dum da da dum da da dum
Da dum da da dum da da dum
Da dum da da dum
Da dum da da dum
Da dum da da dum fucking cunt."

Ha!

Bit of a lead in for those last two words, but I've always felt it was worth the wait.