But, man, I've seen some ugly kids in my time.
Behold the power of the barrette.
This morning. Gabe found the sheet of Button's barrettes and had to try one for himself.I'm going to go ahead and skip past all of the comments I could make about cross dressing and gender bending and so on and so forth. And there are plenty I could make. But, frankly, I'm not all that concerned. Sure, Gabe loves to put Libby's makeup on with her in the morning (and then he comes in and asks if he looks pretty). But he's a kid and most kids are a little bi-curious, right?
No, what I want to comment on is the supposed power of the barrette. According to most of my observations, it is presumed to be a magical accessory. Time and again I have seen babies that could be politely described as "gender neutral." Or impolitely described as "fugly."
Yes, yes. I know. There is no such thing as an ugly baby--or ugly PEOPLE, in fact--there are only ugly attitudes and by passing such judgments on physical appearance, I am only proving just how ugly I am on the inside. I get it. I'm a bad person. Maybe YOU are ugly on the inside for judging ME. Frankly, I'm a little disgusted by you. You don't know what I've been through. Maybe I was an ugly child and suffered terribly because of it, and because of that, I feel comfortable parcelling out my own judgments (I wasn't, of course. I was a beautiful baby. And a stunningly cute toddler, except for that month or two that I had a black eye).
(Fun fact: did you know that, in the 70s, it wasn't illegal to not fasten children into safety seats while driving around? At least it wasn't on the farm where I grew up, since there were no highway patrolmen to enforce such a law, if it existed, which I doubt it did. In fact, it was encouraged to let your children "roam free" all over the seat in your pickup truck while you drove around! Problems, no doubt, arose when sudden stops had to be made and the child in question--me in this case, around age 2--went hurtling into the gear shift eyeball first. Really, it's a little amazing that any of us made it out of those dark ages alive.)
But, come on. YOU'VE seen the ugly babies too. You can't deny it. There's no guessing the gender with some of them. With ugly boys, it's not a problem, at least not as far as the parents are concerned. They go about their business as usual, dressing the child in the same clothes they would if the baby was "normal" and could easily be identified as a male. In a way, boys are supposed to be ugly. It comes with the gender. Ugly boys can grow up to score attractive ladies by having talent or being "interesting" enough that their hideous, deformed faces don't distract from their inner beauty (sorry, Lyle Lovett, but it's true). But with girls, it's another story entirely.
Enter the barrette.
Is shrouding your child in pink just not enough to tell the people around you that, despite all the evidence presented, your baby really is a girl? How about accessorizing a little? Yes, the magical hair slide can do just that for you! It can change your ugly, hairless, freakish child into a beautiful little girl! Sure, the barrette will look like a fashion disaster when it's gathering up all twenty-three of the long hairs on top of your kid's head and hanging lifelessly off to the side like a rubber band wrapped around some long overdue scallions, but there will be no mistaking its gender! Or maybe your three year old, even with hair and all the other extras coming in nicely, is STILL unmistakable for a boy, but her hair just isn't long enough for pigtails that will stay in for more than a minute. Remedy? TWO barrettes! And be sure to place them assymetrically on either side of her head. It will give her a "rakish" look that all the other parents will be jealous of!
Yeah. Anyway, Gabe put a barrette in his hair this morning, and I know that I've seen little girls that still looked less like a little girl than Gabe did. Fun for us, but my heart goes out to all those poor, ugly babies around the world who have to rely on the barrette as a gender marker. Hang in there, ugly babies! Maybe that ugly duckling story really was true and you'll grow up to be a beautiful swan (though, I rather doubt it--that's why the story is about an ugly duckling and not an ugly baby, but hope is free, so keep on doing it)! If not, at least there will be a slew of things you can wear other than a barrette to verify to those around you that you're a beautiful woman on the inside, despite what all the visible evidence suggests otherwise. I recommend the push up bra because nothing distracts from an ugly face like a set of fetching bosoms.
Just saying.
This public service announcement has been brought to you today by the Barrettes for Beauty League. Remember our motto: Ugly? Barrettes!
No, what I want to comment on is the supposed power of the barrette. According to most of my observations, it is presumed to be a magical accessory. Time and again I have seen babies that could be politely described as "gender neutral." Or impolitely described as "fugly."
Yes, yes. I know. There is no such thing as an ugly baby--or ugly PEOPLE, in fact--there are only ugly attitudes and by passing such judgments on physical appearance, I am only proving just how ugly I am on the inside. I get it. I'm a bad person. Maybe YOU are ugly on the inside for judging ME. Frankly, I'm a little disgusted by you. You don't know what I've been through. Maybe I was an ugly child and suffered terribly because of it, and because of that, I feel comfortable parcelling out my own judgments (I wasn't, of course. I was a beautiful baby. And a stunningly cute toddler, except for that month or two that I had a black eye).
(Fun fact: did you know that, in the 70s, it wasn't illegal to not fasten children into safety seats while driving around? At least it wasn't on the farm where I grew up, since there were no highway patrolmen to enforce such a law, if it existed, which I doubt it did. In fact, it was encouraged to let your children "roam free" all over the seat in your pickup truck while you drove around! Problems, no doubt, arose when sudden stops had to be made and the child in question--me in this case, around age 2--went hurtling into the gear shift eyeball first. Really, it's a little amazing that any of us made it out of those dark ages alive.)
But, come on. YOU'VE seen the ugly babies too. You can't deny it. There's no guessing the gender with some of them. With ugly boys, it's not a problem, at least not as far as the parents are concerned. They go about their business as usual, dressing the child in the same clothes they would if the baby was "normal" and could easily be identified as a male. In a way, boys are supposed to be ugly. It comes with the gender. Ugly boys can grow up to score attractive ladies by having talent or being "interesting" enough that their hideous, deformed faces don't distract from their inner beauty (sorry, Lyle Lovett, but it's true). But with girls, it's another story entirely.
Enter the barrette.
Is shrouding your child in pink just not enough to tell the people around you that, despite all the evidence presented, your baby really is a girl? How about accessorizing a little? Yes, the magical hair slide can do just that for you! It can change your ugly, hairless, freakish child into a beautiful little girl! Sure, the barrette will look like a fashion disaster when it's gathering up all twenty-three of the long hairs on top of your kid's head and hanging lifelessly off to the side like a rubber band wrapped around some long overdue scallions, but there will be no mistaking its gender! Or maybe your three year old, even with hair and all the other extras coming in nicely, is STILL unmistakable for a boy, but her hair just isn't long enough for pigtails that will stay in for more than a minute. Remedy? TWO barrettes! And be sure to place them assymetrically on either side of her head. It will give her a "rakish" look that all the other parents will be jealous of!
Yeah. Anyway, Gabe put a barrette in his hair this morning, and I know that I've seen little girls that still looked less like a little girl than Gabe did. Fun for us, but my heart goes out to all those poor, ugly babies around the world who have to rely on the barrette as a gender marker. Hang in there, ugly babies! Maybe that ugly duckling story really was true and you'll grow up to be a beautiful swan (though, I rather doubt it--that's why the story is about an ugly duckling and not an ugly baby, but hope is free, so keep on doing it)! If not, at least there will be a slew of things you can wear other than a barrette to verify to those around you that you're a beautiful woman on the inside, despite what all the visible evidence suggests otherwise. I recommend the push up bra because nothing distracts from an ugly face like a set of fetching bosoms.
Just saying.
This public service announcement has been brought to you today by the Barrettes for Beauty League. Remember our motto: Ugly? Barrettes!
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