Subprime Dealings and Other Monkey Business

Hello, Colm Meaney! I mean, I have to assume it’s you visiting. Twice now someone has come to my site after searching your name on the internets, so I have to assume that it is you doing it. Welcome! I’m so excited. I decided that, in preparation for your next visit, I would watch one of my favorite movies of yours and prepare some questions. The movie I chose was “The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill but Came Down a Mountain.” Now, I know, people will argue that it’s a Hugh Grant movie, and not a Colm Meaney movie, but in your defense, I would punch those people in their stupid heads. That movie was all about your character, end of story. So, here are my questions:

1) I noticed in one of the earlier scenes in the movie that you never mentioned telephone communications. That’s interesting. Could you record a new answering machine message for me? I’m not particular about what you say, except that I would like you to drop the F-bomb at least twelve times. Hell, make it a baker’s dozen. Why not live a little. Sure this will probably be frowned upon by any “professionals” who call and expect to not be cursed out by my answering machine, but those people probably just don’t appreciate the finer things in life.

2) When you were filming “Englishman,” did you ever consider being my friend? If not, you ought to consider it now. I’m fun. And we have a guest bedroom. You could come over and stay a night every once in awhile. We could stay up late and tell ghost stories. I think it would be very fun.

3) Do you remember the scene in the movie when that thing happened? I do. Also, an old guy died. That was sad.

4) After you were done filming “Englishman,” did you have any idea that you would have such a difficult time getting roles that were awesome enough for you? I’ve noticed that you don’t get many good comedy roles. That’s sad, too. Maybe not as sad as old people dying, but sad. You are a natural resource, an international treasure. Like Bruce Campbell.

5) In the movie you co-starred with Tara Fitzgerald . . . . Would you like to read my movie script? It doesn’t actually exist yet, but it’s going to star you and Bruce Campbell. I’m just thinking it up now because my brain is filled with good ideas. With the two of you together, the movie should be awesome to the power of cool. It would be a blockbuster, I’m sure of it. Oh, and I saw Tara Fitzgerald’s boobies in “Sirens.” Just in case you haven’t seen the movie and would like to see her rack.

Oh my, that’s fun. I can see why fanboying is so popular these days. I should totally write some fanfic. Though I’m not sure where one would go to post Colm Meaney fanfic, and lord knows I’m not going to go looking. People who write fanfic put the wind up me.

Subprime Dealings and Other Monkey Business

Our story begins with our pair of anti-heroes, Screaming Mimi and Yargh, getting married. I know, I know. It seems like I don’t arrange many cross-species weddings in our playroom, but it’s not my fault. I want to show Gabe the diversity of marriage options, but it’s just not legal here in Kansas. Sorry. Traditional, same species marriages are all this state will allow for the time being.

Anyway, the pair met at the tenth annual Evil Masterminds Meet and Greet and hit it off. They decided to tie the knot to pool their resources and take advantage of better health insurance options. From the beginning, they also planned to team up to unleash a terrible hell on the other characters in the room, and the first step in that process was to procure their “lair.”

So they went house shopping.

Mimi and Yargh seeing their dream home for the first time. All real estate agents should be elephants, I think.

It’s a little known fact that Evil Geniusing doesn’t pay all that well. It’s a bit like trying to make a living on horse racing. Sure, if you get lucky and pull off that one big caper or succeed in a high dollar ransom scheme, the money can come in hand over fist. But one blown scam or botched operation can cost a fortune to recover from (and don’t get them started on the cost of minions these days, they never shut up about it).

Fortunately, not too long ago, it was entirely possible for people with uncertain finances to obtain a home loan that they could afford, for the time, at least, allowing them to purchase homes far in excess of what they really should be able to afford.

The couple, loving their new house.

Of course, Mimi and Yargh knew the subprime mortgage thing was a scheme, and they realized that, if they paid on the bank’s schedule, they would end up paying way more in the long run for their house because they would only be making small interest payments in the beginning and never actually paying off the capital of the loan, but they weren’t worried. It wouldn’t take them that long to pull off a big, high dollar caper, and when they did, they could pay off a big chunk of the loan, thus getting it down to a reasonable level that they could then pay off in due time, possibly refinancing with a fixed low interest rate.

But then came the big, scary housing market bubble collapse! And, all of a sudden, their variable interest loan (which the loan adviser assured them would probably never get above 8% because, hell, the interest rate hadn’t gotten that high in several years) sky rocketed, and since they were paying the interest that accrued each month, their monthly payment shot through the roof.

A few short months later, after several failed attempts to put together a big bank heist or train robbery to help make ends meet, the desperate couple received their eviction notice. But who did the bank think they were dealing with? These were two villains and the bank was trying to claim their secret lair, which they’d made several important alterations to so that it would better serve their evil needs (most notably, they knocked out a wall in the kitchen and added a breakfast nook, because breakfast is the most important meal of the day if you want to try and take over the world). So they decided to fight back, by refusing to move out.

In response, the bank hired a “repo man” to do the dirty work, and he did it with gusto. He knocked down the door, stormed into the house, tossed its occupants around some, threw them out of the premises, and changed the locks.

Fat Bunny playing the role he was designed for--hired muscle. Libby said we should name him Bouncer, since it has an obvious double meaning with him being a rabbit and all. I liked the idea, but would have felt too guilty breaking the precedence set by Fat Sheep and Fat Frog. They don't get to change their names willy-nilly because we thought of something cleverer.

Thus our two ne’er-do-wells were forced to live on the streets. But don’t feel bad because they’re evil! The bad karma they’ve accumulated over the years is just catching up with them, that’s all. Hurray for the recession, finally defeating this terrible evil presence!

Oh, and both of them got gonorrhea, too. And you know what they say, gonorrhea is nothing to clap at. That’ll teach them to be evil monkeys.

The couple living in the logical progression down from a cardboard box house--a shopping bag. It should have been paper, to set the proper mood, but we only have our "bring your own bag" bags here now. And, yes, that is a stuffed animal version of the Clap. John gave it to Libby for Christmas last year. Gabe doesn't get to play with him--not because I think it's inappropriate, how would he know what it is, but because I think he's funny and don't want Gabe tearing off his identification tag so everyone can see that he's the Clap.

This first video is an example of what happens when things go right. Gabe did exactly what I wanted him to do, to the point where it's actually sort of boring. He didn't throw Screaming Mimi hard enough to make her scream, though, which is too bad.

This is what the first attempt looked like. After a minute, I just gave up and waited for him to go into his house. Really, in that first video, he wasn't doing what I asked him to do, he simply doesn't abide house guests of any sort, so I knew he'd throw out anything that I put in there.