In short, by visiting my Analytics account, I can see detailed reports on who visits my page. Well, not who as such, it doesn’t tell me any names or anything too invasive like that (though this whole process still seems a little too Big Brother, but I guess I don’t mind since, in this case, I get to be Big Brother, which feels a little alright, I’ll have you know—I can see why it was all the rage in 1984), but it tells me locations of people who are visiting and it will even let me know what search engine visitors typed into their engines to stumble on my page. So, no, I don’t know who, exactly, is visiting my site, but if I know you well enough to know where you live, I can tell if you’re visiting my site as often as you should be.
But the search engine results are what fascinate me the most. For instance, I’ve had two people visit my site after doing searches for the words “crotchy.” Interesting, I think. Someone also did a search for Wendell Bacon. That I find odd. Is there a real Wendell Bacon out there who’s Googling his name? I sort of think that might be the case for the person who searched “Stanley Jenkins” and visited my site. And, if Stanley Jenkins or Wendell Bacon are still checking in from time to time, welcome! I guarantee that I don’t know you and I’m not reproducing portions of your life with my son’s stuffed animals. Promise.
Most promising of all was the search for “Colm Meaney” that someone did yesterday. I really really want to assume that it was actually Colm Meaney, sitting bored at his computer, seeing what people are saying about him on the internet. And if it was, then maybe he’ll come back by today because I used his name again. Ooh, ooh! I’m so excited! How do I look? Hello, Mr. Meaney! I loved you in “Con Air!”
Oh dear. Maybe that was a bad idea. It probably sounds insincere. Nobody loved anything about “Con Air.” But, seriously, only the fact that Colm Meaney was in the movie made the idea of watching a Nicholas Cage movie at all an option for me, such is my loathing of Nick Cage. So that still makes it a compliment, right? And I wanted to pull out something obscure so he’d know I was actually a fan. I should have used “Mystery, Alaska” instead, because it was actually a pretty decent movie. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I’m sorry, Colm, can I call you Colm? OK, Mr. Meaney. I didn’t mean to insult! Please don’t go!
I can’t wait until Carl Weathers does a search for his name and comes to visit. Maybe then I can substantiate the rumor I’m trying to start that an imposter actually hijacked his career in the late 80s and that’s the reason he doesn’t do anything worth watching anymore. Unless that’s not the case, then I guess I’ll have to feel embarrassed for making such a claim (nevermind the fact that my claim is that a stuffed animal snake, in fact, has replaced him in movies—that part, I’m betting, will prove false).
Also, I’ve had someone from Indonesia, Cambodia, and Italy visit my site. I can’t help but wonder why.
More (Evil) Characters
Screaming Mimi
Two Christmases ago, my Mom bought me this toy. Rather, I found it in my stocking (despite the fact that her youngest is in his late 20s, my Mom still does a stocking for us—and now all of our kids—at Christmas each year, and for us kids, they are usually filled with oddball stuff like this. What can I say, she knows what we like). I believe she said she purchased it from someone who came into her office. At the time, I didn’t give this statement much thought, but now it puzzles me. Who came into her office selling screaming monkey dolls (oh, yeah, that’s the reason for the doll’s name. The monkey has two rubber bands in its arms and little pouches in its hands. You stick two fingers in the pouches, pull back on his tail—thus extending the rubber bands—and let him sail across the room. Inside the monkey, there is a movement activated screaming device. Originally, it went off when we released the monkey, so it was screaming in mid-air. Now the device is old enough that he only works when you hit him against something. Disturbing as the original circumstances surrounding the noise making were—namely, you are shooting a monkey across a room to land wherever—the idea of having to smash one against something to get a response is even more bothersome. Or, maybe it’s more tantalizing, I’m not sure) to the employees there? And why? Was this some sort of fund raiser, or someone raising money for college? I must ask her so I can learn the full story.
Mimi has been around since before Gabe started playing with his toys. Actually, she was the first toy that Gabe despised. The screaming really set him off—which isn’t too surprising, really. The first time we played with it, I thought he would like it. If he swung the doll around, it made a noise for him. Kids like that kind of cause/effect stuff, right? Instead, he watched me demonstrate two or three times, trying to show him how it worked, and then he shrieked, cried, and tried to first throw the doll with all his might then distance himself as best he could from it when I casually put the doll in his lap. For almost a week after that incident, whenever he saw the doll, he would start to cry.
Then he was over it. Now he rather likes the fact that he can throw it on the floor and it makes a noise. Kids are weird. Sometimes I’m not sure if they think things through like they should.
Anyway, Mimi doesn’t really have a story, yet, though I did decide that she is evil. Her scream doesn’t really sound distressed, which would have made her a good monkey in bad circumstances. I think it sounds a little menacing. Like a battle cry. I think if Thor had been a tiny little monkey with elastic arms, his cries to Odin would have sounded exactly the same as he hurtled through the thundering skies. Thus, I think she’s got something sinister going on. I’m not sure what, yet, but something.
Creepy Little Monkey That Turned into a Skeleton from the “Pirates of the Caribbean” Movies Who Probably Has a Name Already but I Was So Disappointed by the Last Two Movies in the Series That I Refuse to Look it up on the Internet
Or CLMTTSPCMWPHNAIWSDLTMSTIRLI (see, creators of Dr. Who, that’s how you acronym something) for short. Or Yargh for shorter.
Yargh was given to Gabe by our friend Cammi for his first birthday last year. Obviously, since Gabe hasn’t seen those movies, he has no idea how freaked out he should be to have that monkey in his room every night. He turned into a skeleton in the moonlight, right? I can’t remember, so thoroughly have I tried to erase the disappointment of the last two movies from my brain. Don’t get me wrong. I liked the first one. Quite a lot, actually. Johnny Depp’s androgynistically drunken pirate character was charming, I thought, and I was still flush from Orlando Bloom’s appearance in the “Lord of the Rings” movies, so I wasn’t annoyed by him yet. Keira Knightley I always just thought of as an anorexic Natalie Portman, but whatever. But the last two movies left me flat. I couldn’t even tell what was going on most of the time, they were so long and the story was so convoluted and wandering. Something about the edge of the world? And the Kraken? Meh.
But the monkey, I have no doubt, was evil, even though they tried to cute him up for the toy launch. I don’t base this on the fact that he helped the evil pirate, the one from “Mystery Men” (yeah, I went that obscure on ya instead of just typing out his name, what are you going to do about it?), most of the time. I base it on the fact that he was a little monkey, and I think they are all basically evil creatures. They try to look cute—some of them have even been known to play little accordions or wash cats (for this last reference, you should watch “The Daily Show” regularly to understand)—but turn your back on them for a second and they’ll throw pooh at you. Now, while poop slinging is basically amusing, on a general basis, can you honestly think of an action more evil? I mean, what would we say about a person who flung crap with malicious intent to splatter? They would surely be locked away in an institution, at the very least. If the person had some sort of disease, which most monkeys surely do (isn’t that where AIDS originally came from?), then it becomes not just a malicious act, but a violent one. And the way they clang their little symbols together? What? You don’t think they all have those symbols? Where do you think they came up with the idea for those creepy little wind-up toys? Come on. Menacing, vicious, evil little blighters. That’s what they are.
But they are adorable in their own little way. And when they hit someone else with pooh? Hilarious.
Nonetheless, Yargh is evil in our world. Not the most evil in the bedroom—Bad King Wenceslas holds that title—but still pretty bad. He doesn’t have much story yet, but it’s a coming. Just go ahead and brace yourself for an Evil Monkey Story! Yep. That’s next on the agenda.
The Faceless Stalker
The Stalker with his head hung low.
This is what the Stalker looks like when you can see his head--if he was lying down, which he never does. Notice how Gabe points out his lack of a soul.
Now, I know that I have an unusual sensitivity to the creepiness of stuffed animals. I’ve discussed it before at some length. It might be a touch irrational, but it exists all the same, and I’ve always found this toy a bit unsettling. I’m not sure where it came from. I believe Libby made it when she was growing up. As a homemade little ragdoll, I’m sure it is quite cute, quaint, harmless, and even, perhaps to some, endearing. But the way its sad little head always flops one direction or the other, as if lost in hopeless despair or, more unnerving, as if it is just that indifferent to the world around it, is just disquieting. I envision it trudging along towards whatever its destination, head slung low, plodding away as if there is no tomorrow. You watch it as it makes its slow progression forward. Then, when it knows you are watching it, its head raises ever so slightly, and you KNOW IT KNOWS YOU ARE WATCHING IT, AND THEN IT TURNS EVER SO SLIGHTLY AND IT STARTS TO HEAD YOUR WAY. THEN IT LIFTS ITS HEAD JUST A LITTLE BIT HIGHER AND YOU CAN SEE THAT IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A FACE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!See, creepy.
Stalker doesn’t have any story in our room. Frankly, I probably shouldn’t have even given him a name and character type, because now he—or it more than likely—will make its presence known. My guess is that he’s the toy version of Death. Probably someone will have to vanquish him at some point and banish him to the closet, more for my sake than for the safety of the rest of the toys in the room. Either that or he’ll rampage through the toys, spreading some stuffing based, high mortality plague. And we wouldn’t want to have to explain that to Gabe, now would we?
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